Life Lesson #6

Voice of Seth Rogen: So...how longs it been? Since you've done the stinky lambada...you know...skeet skeet?

Me: Shut up, Seth.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Seriously dude. C'mon, you can tell me.

Me: I've been taking a new approach to things.

Voice of Seth Rogen: What the fuck does that even mean?

Me: Love is more than sex. I mean, sex is more than love. I mean, sex is more than sex.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Wow, just when I thought I couldn't be more confused, too.

Me: Seriously. Shut the fuck up.

Voice of Seth Rogen: I feel like we're friends now, so I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. You're absolutely right!

Me: What?

Voice of Seth Rogen: Sex is more than just sex. It's a release, and judging by how hard you're gritting your teeth lately, you need a big one. I mean, you'll be gumming pizza in two weeks if we don't do something about this.

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: Can I help you?

Voice of Seth Rogen: Wow. Look at the tits...

Me: Venti Iced Black. Please.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Venti Iced Black. So decadent. So exciting!

Me: Shut up.

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: What?

Me: Nothing.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Here's your shot dude! Go for it! Tell her she has a cute something. Girls love that shit!

Me: Shut up, Seth.

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: Sure you don't want anything in this? Maybe a little sugar?

Voice of Seth Rogen: Tell her you want her to cream in it....

Me: No, that's fine.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Tell her dude! Do it!

Me: You have a really cute butt. (internal voice: What the fuck. Butt? I hate me.)

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: Awwww! Really? Thank you! I've been using the new "Twerk with Miley" DVD's. Totally working.

Me: Really?

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: (Giggling) No silly. That's sarcasm.

Me: Oh. Right. I knew that. Ha!

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: You're cute.

Me: Really?

Voice of Seth Rogen: Don't blow this dude...I swear I'll kick your ass....ask for HER NUMBER!!!!

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: And funny. How about I give you my number and you text me when I get off at 9?

Me: (Nervous) Yea, ok. Awesome. That's great. 9am or pm?

Voice of Seth Rogen: Dude...shut the fuck up. Obviously, it's PM!

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: PM! Silly! Tonight!

Me: Right, yea...just kidding!

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: Here's your EXCITING black coffee....(giggles)

Voice of Seth Rogen: See, you are boring.

Me: Shut-up, Seth.

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: What?

Me: Ummm...I mean...ouch. Shit! I burnt my hand. Some of the coffee spilled. Hehehe...(nervous laugh)

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: It's iced?

Me: Right. Yea. But, it's REALLY cold!

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: Hahaha! So funny!

Me: Yea...ha! I try. What's your name? You know, so I can call you something besides "Butt Girl" when I text you?

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: Cheri. And, you can call me whatever you want.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Yes......oh yes.....

Cheri: Gimme your hand. (Writes down her number on top)

Me: Ok, Cheri! I'll text you at 9!

Cheri: Wait...what's your name? So I can call you something other than "Venti Iced Black" when you text.

Me: Justin.

Cheri: Ok, Justin. Be careful with that coffee, wouldn't want anymore burns! (Wink)

Me: Will do. See ya!

Voice of Seth Rogen: GREAT JOB, dude! See? I'm your fucking master! You're gonna beat that pu(Me interrupting)

Me: Shut up, Seth.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Life Lesson #6. Seth Rogen SLAYS THE PUS.....


Life Lesson #5

Me: (Counting change) Ten...twenty...thirty...forty....fifty....(Seth interrupts)

Voice of Seth Rogen: What are you doing?

Me: What does it look like I'm doing?

Voice of Seth Rogen: Counting change. Dimes, to be exact. Those aren't the kind of dimes you should be counting, brohemian rhapsody...

Me: These are the kinds of dimes I should be counting if I want to buy groceries, Seth.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Man, are you in some kind of an underground college or something? How are you ever gonna count those sweet-ass Brazilian dime pieces if you're broke like a mofucker? I mean, can't you get some kind of a gig to hold you down while you work on these websites and shit?

Me: That's the plan, Seth. You're observant, funny, and rich too, so please leave the life lesson out of this shit.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Hey man! I haven't always been rich! I used to count change to buy beer and weed. I know the struggle. (Seth starts to sing Nas) "Grindin' hittin' Brazilian dimes from behind...."

Me: Two forty, two fifty, two sixty....(Seth interrupts)

Voice of Seth Rogen: What are you gonna buy anyway, dude? Ramen? How old are you, like 16?

Me: Two seventy, two eighty, (Seth interrupts)

Voice of Seth Rogen: Seriously, man, can't you get like, some drugs from someone, or something? I mean, c'm(NAS interrupting)

Voice of NAS: Nah mean?

Me: What? 

Voice of NAS: Nah mean?

Me: Oh, he's multi-talented, and does a great NAS impression. Congrats, Seth. You're the greatest chubby guy on earth. 

Voice of Seth Rogen: That's not me, dude!

Voice of NAS: Nah mean?

Me: Oh....shit...what is reality?

Voice of NAS: A collection of images pulled from our collective consciousnesses and reassembled in such a way that everyone gets a chance to experience a version of their walking, talking, and living dreams. Nah mean?

Me: Lost Tapes is my favorite. I know people probably don't say that to you too often, but I'm wei(NAS interrupting)

Voice of NAS: Weird? I noticed. You good.

Me: I admire your ability to be open about your ever evolving perspective on life and spirit(NAS interrupting)

Voice of NAS: I know. I'm in your head, God.

Me: Can I ask you a question?

Voice of NAS: One. One, question, dude.

Me: Kelis. Did her milkshake (NAS interrupting)

Voice of NAS: No doubt. You know that.

Me: Yes.....

Voice of NAS: Nah mean?

Me: Yes....wait...Seth is awfully quiet.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Life Lesson #5. If NAS is talking, you listen.


Life Lesson #4

Voice of Seth Rogen: O-o-h Justin....

Me: This isn't You Can't Do That on Television locker joke day, Seth, that's Saturday.

Voice of Seth Rogen: What man? 

Me: You're Canadian, you should know what I'm talking about. Nevermind.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Weird....ANYWAY, what's your life ambition?

Me: Here we go....

Voice of Seth Rogen: Seriously, man. What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: I'm older than you Seth.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Could've fooled me. 

Me: Apparently, I did. Fool you. Seth.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Ok, it must be your time of the month. I'll just go away, dude. Call me when you're not being a massive dick.

Me: I never call you. 

Voice of Seth Rogen: What's that? Was someone talking to an imaginary bff in his head? I can't hear him because he's a big massive dick bag.

Me: I wish I never did acid.

Voice of Seth Rogen: (Seth whistling "Whistle" by Flo-Rida) Just gonna cook these eggs in the nude....heheheh....this is your brain on Seth....Whoa...whistle....can you blow my whistle...nice and...

Me: Jesus. Christ.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Hey! Watch it man! 

Me: You're Jewish, Seth. You don't even consider that a sin.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Can't hear that guy taking the lord's name in vein....Can ya blow my whistle baby....mmmm...mmmm...eggs. (Seth farts)

Me: This has gone too far.

Voice of Seth Rogen: (Seth sparks a huge spliff) 

Me: What the fuck is that smell?

Voice of Seth Rogen: You might have brain cancer dude...should get that checked out...(cough) Phantom smells....

Me: Are you fucking smoking weed in the nude while making eggs and whistling Flo-Rida?

Voice of Seth Rogen: What's that sound? There's some little bitch boy talking inside my head.

Me:(Intrigued) I am your life coach, Seth. You see the whole entertainment industry is a sham, it's a cons(Seth interrupts)

Voice of Seth Rogen: Nice try bitch boy! I'm just fucking with you! (Seth laugh)

Me: (Exhale)

Voice of Seth Rogen: You want your life lesson?

Me: (Exhale)(Exhale)

Voice of Seth Rogen: Ok...you want some of this omelet?

Me: What's in it?

Voice of Seth Rogen: Eggs, you jackass!

Me: Fuck. My. Li(Seth interuppting)

Voice of Seth Rogen: Quit being such a pouty bitch, dude! We got great tunes, some killer bud, and this omelet is gonna knock your socks off! My socks are already off, but hey...(Seth laugh)

Me: I like my eggs fried. Sunny side up.

Voice of Seth Rogen: This isn't a friggin' diner man. This is your mind. Limited resources. (Seth laugh)

Me: Funny.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Life Lesson #4.(Me interrupting)

Me: Lemme guess....Seth Rogen makes an awesome ass omelet.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Hehehehe....nah man. Never cook eggs in the nude, you could burn off your.....

Life Lesson #3

Voice of Seth Rogen: So, what's been up man? Been a while..

Me: You know exactly what I've been up to. Why are you asking?

Voice of Seth Rogen: Asking questions makes people seem interested.

Me: (Exhale) Ok, Seth. I've been working really hard for little money trying to get my feet back on the ground. I've been freelancing web des (Seth interrupts)

Voice of Seth Rogen: Oh! That's right! (Seth laugh)....Straight outta Compton a crazy Webmaster named J-Dub (Me interrupting)

Me: Don't do that.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Do what?

Me: Don't parody that song. The last thing I need is Easy-E's voice in my head haunting me. And, I've never been to Compton. I'm not straight outta it.

Voice of Seth Rogen: RELAX MAN! Easy-E is FINE! Right now he's fuckin' hos and poppin' bottles of Crystal at Thug Mansion. He wants no part of this. He's dead! NOT-A-GHOST. NOT-A-VOICE! You've been watching WAY TOO MUCH Supernatural (Easy-E interrupts)

Voice of Easy-E: Actually, Seth, while I appreciate your glorified vision of my afterlife, I can in fact hear you, and I can in fact join in. You see, as a celestial being (me interrupting)

Me: What. The. Fuck.

Voice of Easy-E: Please, show me some respect. I don't visit just anyone. As I was saying, the afterlife is a collection of consciousnesses existing in peace and harmony. We never really leave, and we can in fact interact with other consciousnesses in the "real-world". Carl Jung postulated all things are connected and our unconscious selves introduce the things we need in our life so that that we can overcome challenges, both spiritual and mental, while ultimately achieving the most peaceful existence possible for ourselves.

Voice of Seth Rogen: No, I'm pretty sure that was Freud.

Voice of Easy-E: Would you like me to bust a spectral cap in your bitch ass, Seth?

Voice of Seth Rogen: (Seth laughing nervously)

Me: Whoa. Let's everyone back the fuck up!

Voice of Seth Rogen and Easy-E: I hate Onyx.

Me: Stop!

Voice of Seth Rogen and Easy-E: A crazy mutha-fucka named J-Dub....

Me: Don't do it. Just don't fucking do it.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Easy....I gotta say, man. HUGE fan. I mean, big!

Voice of Easy-E: Well thank you, Seth. I must admit the same.

Me: Why the fuck is Easy-E so well spoken?

Voice of Seth Rogen and Easy-E: Life Lesson #3. Easy-E ain't no bitch.

Me: Great.




Life Lesson #2

Voice of Seth Rogen: Listen man...ya gotta get off the facebook.

Me: What...why?

Voice of Seth Rogen: Think about it man! If I can hack into your brain after a few hours of hearing my voice on some movie, what the fuck do you think is gonna happen after a year or two of facebook?

Me: You're crazy.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Am I? You are the one talking back.

Me: No, I'm not.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Yes, you are.

Me: Nope. I'm gonna listen to the Wu-Tang Clan now.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Cash Rules Everything Around Me...cream get tha money.

Me: Fuck this. I'm gonna listen to something you don't know.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Who?

Me: You.

Voice of Seth Rogen: I thought I didn't exist?

Me: You don't. I'm listening to spanish radio.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Su madre esta muy sucia, bitch.

Me: What?

Voice of Seth Rogen: It means, your mother is very...

Me, interrupting: I know what it means.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Listen man, fuck facebook. Everyone wants you to be like them. It's all about influence, man. Think about it...you go to reach for the Coco Puffs at the grocery store...start to put them in your shopping cart...and BAM, you remember that Johnny Facebook just bought the new "Peanut Butter Churro Sugar Smacks"...which are like twelve fucking dollars worth of shaped sugar...BUT, it's too late...you're locked in, you're buying somebody else's cereal...get ready for skull-rotting, sugar-soaked, rip-off, cereal-slop. All you wanted were the fucking Coco Puffs, but now you're fucked. You're gonna get the runs...know why? Because, you're gonna eat the whole fucking box in one sitting...no Coco Puff chocolate milk residue for you...you're living someone else's life now.

Me: I'm not like that.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Ok, man. Why did you shave your beard?

Me: What?

Voice of Seth Rogen: Why did YOU SHAVE YOUR BEARD?

Me: It's summertime in New Jersey. I was hot.

Voice of Seth Rogen: No...you were influenced. Look at all the naked faced boy-toys on your friend list. You're a sheep, man!

Me: Shut-up.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Ok. Fuck it. Tell everyone on facebook that you have hourly conversations in your head with Seth Rogen.

Me: I already did.

Voice of Seth Rogen: And what did they say?

Me: Nothing. I only have like 30 pageviews.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Really, man?

Me: Yea.

Voice of Seth Rogen: You must be really boring...or everyone already thinks you're crazy.

Me: Yea.

Voice of Seth Rogen: No! Fuck that, dude! Facebook is for pansies, and all the pansies are ignoring you because you don't fit into their little social media...hippie-fuck...be in...Listen up bro-hemian rhapsody...I'm gonna make your life more interesting...and fast. Here's what you do: delete ALL of your facebook friends, but leave your profile, then steal all of my pictures...and change your name to Seth Brogen...then...run with it...just become me...like ME #2.

Me: Not gonna do that.

Voice of Seth Rogen: I'm warning you man.

Me: You're paranoid.

Voice of Seth Rogen: I am?

Me: Yea. Where's my next life lesson?

Voice of Seth Rogen: Life lesson #2: Seth Rogen hates Facebook.

Life Lesson #1

#1

Voice of Seth Rogen: Listen man, it's really me, Seth Rogen. I'm not just a voice in your head. I am MY voice in YOUR head. This whole "entertainment industry" thing that we're all into, it's a scam. The whole sham is designed for the sole purpose of beating my image and voice into your brain...so I can flip the switch telepathically and log into your dome-piece whenever I see fit...I'm the one switching the channels now, man...hopping from lost mind to lost mind orchestrating my own global conspiracy! I'm just as shocked as you, but we should have laid off the weed.

Me: You're not Seth Rogen.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Keep telling yourself that, man. If it makes you feel better, I can get Cosby on the horn and have him tap into your mainframe.

Me: Don't do that.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Alright then. It's basically my job to chat you up while teaching you a few life lessons. I'm like your life coach or some shit. In exchange for this service, I get all the pussy on the planet, and maybe entrance into Heaven; which has more pussy than the planet Earth...and all kinds of variety...or so I'm told.

Me: That sounds like a great deal.

Voice of Seth Rogen: It's not a deal. It's destiny. You think I dropped an application off with HR to get this job?

Me: Does everybody get Seth Rogen?

Voice of Seth Rogen: Not at all. I'm a complicated man.

Me: That's not what I meant.

Voice of Seth Rogen interrupts: I know what you meant, man...lighten up.



Voice of Woody Harrelson: W'sup buddy?

Me: Lemme guess, Seth Rogen sent you?

Voice of Woody Harrelson: Yupperino buckerino.

Me: Do all the voices in my head smoke pot?

Voice of Woody Harrelson: No, but it helps.

Me: What's that supposed to mean?

Voice of Woody Harrelson: Have you seen your thoughts? (Chomp Chomp...Woody's eating an apple)

Me: Yea, you've got a point.

Voice of Woody Harrelson: I mean, the nun thing?

Me: That was one time.

Voice of Woody Harrelson: Yea...what ever you say, Bucko.



Voice of P-Diddy: What's hood my nigga?

Me: Seth or Woody?

Voice of P-Diddy: I prefer Jonah Hill, that's my dude.

Me: No, I mean who sent you?

Voice of P-Diddy: I sent me, Mofucker...

Me: Whatever.

Voice of P-Diddy  You ever hear that one song "Do you have the time...to listen to me whine...?"...That's a good mofucking  track.

Me: Basket Case. Green Day.

Voice of P-Diddy: Nah.

Me: Why did you tap into my head?

Voice of P-Diddy: I'm trying to get stoned, nigga!

Me: Great.



Voice of Daniel Radcliffe: Brainwashexploscious!

Me: Awesome.

Voice of Daniel Radcliffe: I'm just fucking wif you, relax, Mate.

Me: Do they say "mate" in England?

Voice of Daniel Radcliffe: Oi.

Me: What?

Voice of Daniel Radcliffe: "Do you have the time...to listen to me whine...about nothing..."

Me: Diddy sent you?

Voice of Daniel Radcliffe: No, I sent me, Mofucker.

Me: I see.

Voice of Daniel Radcliffe: Who sings that song, Mate?

Me: Green Day.

Voice of Daniel Radcliffe: Nah.

Me: Awesome.



Voice of Seth Rogen: So how are things going?

Me: Perfect.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Really, man? Anybody stop by?

Me: The whole cast of "Get Him to the Greek".

Voice of Seth Rogen: I love that movie! Smokin' Jefferies, Mofucker!

Me: Where are my fucking life lessons, Seth?

Voice of Seth Rogen: Whoa there, Bucko! Listen man, you're getting more out of this than you know.

Me: I'm sure.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Can we watch "Bad Bitches with Big Tits 3" tonight?

Me: Sure.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Popcorn?

Me: You're a sick man.



Voice of Officer who pulled me over: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: I came to a rolling stop at the last stop sign.

Voice of Officer who pulled me over: Why?

Me: Because I was busy talking to Seth Rogen.

Voice of Officer who pulled me over: What?

Me: Nevermind.

Voice of Officer who pulled me over: Are you being disrespectful to the badge, son?

Me: Please give me my ticket.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Fuck that man! Tell this pig to eat a dick! A whole bag. All dicks for the piggy. Oink!

Me: You're not allowed to be here right now, Seth.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Too late, mofuck tha police!

Voice of Officer who pulled me over: Are you talking to yourself?

Me: No, sir. Eat a bag of dicks.

Voice of Officer who pulled me over: What?

Me: That's what he said. Seth Rogen. Just now.

Voice of Officer who pulled me over: Are you wearing an earpiece? Is he around?

Me: No.

Voice of Officer who pulled me over: I'm a huge fan. I've seen all of his movies. Super Troopers is my favorite!

Me: He's not in that movie.

Voice of Officer who pulled me over: Can you get me his autograph?

Me: Just give me my ticket, please.

Voice of Officer who pulled me over: You Hollywood types are all the same. Get out of here, before I write you a ticket.

Me: Right.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Life lesson #1. Seth Rogen is the shit.