Life Lesson #2

Voice of Seth Rogen: Listen man...ya gotta get off the facebook.

Me: What...why?

Voice of Seth Rogen: Think about it man! If I can hack into your brain after a few hours of hearing my voice on some movie, what the fuck do you think is gonna happen after a year or two of facebook?

Me: You're crazy.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Am I? You are the one talking back.

Me: No, I'm not.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Yes, you are.

Me: Nope. I'm gonna listen to the Wu-Tang Clan now.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Cash Rules Everything Around Me...cream get tha money.

Me: Fuck this. I'm gonna listen to something you don't know.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Who?

Me: You.

Voice of Seth Rogen: I thought I didn't exist?

Me: You don't. I'm listening to spanish radio.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Su madre esta muy sucia, bitch.

Me: What?

Voice of Seth Rogen: It means, your mother is very...

Me, interrupting: I know what it means.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Listen man, fuck facebook. Everyone wants you to be like them. It's all about influence, man. Think about go to reach for the Coco Puffs at the grocery store...start to put them in your shopping cart...and BAM, you remember that Johnny Facebook just bought the new "Peanut Butter Churro Sugar Smacks"...which are like twelve fucking dollars worth of shaped sugar...BUT, it's too're locked in, you're buying somebody else's cereal...get ready for skull-rotting, sugar-soaked, rip-off, cereal-slop. All you wanted were the fucking Coco Puffs, but now you're fucked. You're gonna get the runs...know why? Because, you're gonna eat the whole fucking box in one Coco Puff chocolate milk residue for're living someone else's life now.

Me: I'm not like that.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Ok, man. Why did you shave your beard?

Me: What?

Voice of Seth Rogen: Why did YOU SHAVE YOUR BEARD?

Me: It's summertime in New Jersey. I was hot.

Voice of Seth Rogen: were influenced. Look at all the naked faced boy-toys on your friend list. You're a sheep, man!

Me: Shut-up.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Ok. Fuck it. Tell everyone on facebook that you have hourly conversations in your head with Seth Rogen.

Me: I already did.

Voice of Seth Rogen: And what did they say?

Me: Nothing. I only have like 30 pageviews.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Really, man?

Me: Yea.

Voice of Seth Rogen: You must be really boring...or everyone already thinks you're crazy.

Me: Yea.

Voice of Seth Rogen: No! Fuck that, dude! Facebook is for pansies, and all the pansies are ignoring you because you don't fit into their little social in...Listen up bro-hemian rhapsody...I'm gonna make your life more interesting...and fast. Here's what you do: delete ALL of your facebook friends, but leave your profile, then steal all of my pictures...and change your name to Seth with it...just become ME #2.

Me: Not gonna do that.

Voice of Seth Rogen: I'm warning you man.

Me: You're paranoid.

Voice of Seth Rogen: I am?

Me: Yea. Where's my next life lesson?

Voice of Seth Rogen: Life lesson #2: Seth Rogen hates Facebook.

Life Lesson #1


Voice of Seth Rogen: Listen man, it's really me, Seth Rogen. I'm not just a voice in your head. I am MY voice in YOUR head. This whole "entertainment industry" thing that we're all into, it's a scam. The whole sham is designed for the sole purpose of beating my image and voice into your I can flip the switch telepathically and log into your dome-piece whenever I see fit...I'm the one switching the channels now, man...hopping from lost mind to lost mind orchestrating my own global conspiracy! I'm just as shocked as you, but we should have laid off the weed.

Me: You're not Seth Rogen.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Keep telling yourself that, man. If it makes you feel better, I can get Cosby on the horn and have him tap into your mainframe.

Me: Don't do that.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Alright then. It's basically my job to chat you up while teaching you a few life lessons. I'm like your life coach or some shit. In exchange for this service, I get all the pussy on the planet, and maybe entrance into Heaven; which has more pussy than the planet Earth...and all kinds of variety...or so I'm told.

Me: That sounds like a great deal.

Voice of Seth Rogen: It's not a deal. It's destiny. You think I dropped an application off with HR to get this job?

Me: Does everybody get Seth Rogen?

Voice of Seth Rogen: Not at all. I'm a complicated man.

Me: That's not what I meant.

Voice of Seth Rogen interrupts: I know what you meant, man...lighten up.

Voice of Woody Harrelson: W'sup buddy?

Me: Lemme guess, Seth Rogen sent you?

Voice of Woody Harrelson: Yupperino buckerino.

Me: Do all the voices in my head smoke pot?

Voice of Woody Harrelson: No, but it helps.

Me: What's that supposed to mean?

Voice of Woody Harrelson: Have you seen your thoughts? (Chomp Chomp...Woody's eating an apple)

Me: Yea, you've got a point.

Voice of Woody Harrelson: I mean, the nun thing?

Me: That was one time.

Voice of Woody Harrelson: Yea...what ever you say, Bucko.

Voice of P-Diddy: What's hood my nigga?

Me: Seth or Woody?

Voice of P-Diddy: I prefer Jonah Hill, that's my dude.

Me: No, I mean who sent you?

Voice of P-Diddy: I sent me, Mofucker...

Me: Whatever.

Voice of P-Diddy  You ever hear that one song "Do you have the listen to me whine...?"...That's a good mofucking  track.

Me: Basket Case. Green Day.

Voice of P-Diddy: Nah.

Me: Why did you tap into my head?

Voice of P-Diddy: I'm trying to get stoned, nigga!

Me: Great.

Voice of Daniel Radcliffe: Brainwashexploscious!

Me: Awesome.

Voice of Daniel Radcliffe: I'm just fucking wif you, relax, Mate.

Me: Do they say "mate" in England?

Voice of Daniel Radcliffe: Oi.

Me: What?

Voice of Daniel Radcliffe: "Do you have the listen to me whine...about nothing..."

Me: Diddy sent you?

Voice of Daniel Radcliffe: No, I sent me, Mofucker.

Me: I see.

Voice of Daniel Radcliffe: Who sings that song, Mate?

Me: Green Day.

Voice of Daniel Radcliffe: Nah.

Me: Awesome.

Voice of Seth Rogen: So how are things going?

Me: Perfect.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Really, man? Anybody stop by?

Me: The whole cast of "Get Him to the Greek".

Voice of Seth Rogen: I love that movie! Smokin' Jefferies, Mofucker!

Me: Where are my fucking life lessons, Seth?

Voice of Seth Rogen: Whoa there, Bucko! Listen man, you're getting more out of this than you know.

Me: I'm sure.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Can we watch "Bad Bitches with Big Tits 3" tonight?

Me: Sure.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Popcorn?

Me: You're a sick man.

Voice of Officer who pulled me over: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: I came to a rolling stop at the last stop sign.

Voice of Officer who pulled me over: Why?

Me: Because I was busy talking to Seth Rogen.

Voice of Officer who pulled me over: What?

Me: Nevermind.

Voice of Officer who pulled me over: Are you being disrespectful to the badge, son?

Me: Please give me my ticket.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Fuck that man! Tell this pig to eat a dick! A whole bag. All dicks for the piggy. Oink!

Me: You're not allowed to be here right now, Seth.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Too late, mofuck tha police!

Voice of Officer who pulled me over: Are you talking to yourself?

Me: No, sir. Eat a bag of dicks.

Voice of Officer who pulled me over: What?

Me: That's what he said. Seth Rogen. Just now.

Voice of Officer who pulled me over: Are you wearing an earpiece? Is he around?

Me: No.

Voice of Officer who pulled me over: I'm a huge fan. I've seen all of his movies. Super Troopers is my favorite!

Me: He's not in that movie.

Voice of Officer who pulled me over: Can you get me his autograph?

Me: Just give me my ticket, please.

Voice of Officer who pulled me over: You Hollywood types are all the same. Get out of here, before I write you a ticket.

Me: Right.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Life lesson #1. Seth Rogen is the shit.