Life Lesson #6

Voice of Seth Rogen: So...how longs it been? Since you've done the stinky lambada...you know...skeet skeet?

Me: Shut up, Seth.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Seriously dude. C'mon, you can tell me.

Me: I've been taking a new approach to things.

Voice of Seth Rogen: What the fuck does that even mean?

Me: Love is more than sex. I mean, sex is more than love. I mean, sex is more than sex.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Wow, just when I thought I couldn't be more confused, too.

Me: Seriously. Shut the fuck up.

Voice of Seth Rogen: I feel like we're friends now, so I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. You're absolutely right!

Me: What?

Voice of Seth Rogen: Sex is more than just sex. It's a release, and judging by how hard you're gritting your teeth lately, you need a big one. I mean, you'll be gumming pizza in two weeks if we don't do something about this.

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: Can I help you?

Voice of Seth Rogen: Wow. Look at the tits...

Me: Venti Iced Black. Please.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Venti Iced Black. So decadent. So exciting!

Me: Shut up.

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: What?

Me: Nothing.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Here's your shot dude! Go for it! Tell her she has a cute something. Girls love that shit!

Me: Shut up, Seth.

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: Sure you don't want anything in this? Maybe a little sugar?

Voice of Seth Rogen: Tell her you want her to cream in it....

Me: No, that's fine.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Tell her dude! Do it!

Me: You have a really cute butt. (internal voice: What the fuck. Butt? I hate me.)

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: Awwww! Really? Thank you! I've been using the new "Twerk with Miley" DVD's. Totally working.

Me: Really?

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: (Giggling) No silly. That's sarcasm.

Me: Oh. Right. I knew that. Ha!

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: You're cute.

Me: Really?

Voice of Seth Rogen: Don't blow this dude...I swear I'll kick your ass....ask for HER NUMBER!!!!

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: And funny. How about I give you my number and you text me when I get off at 9?

Me: (Nervous) Yea, ok. Awesome. That's great. 9am or pm?

Voice of Seth Rogen: Dude...shut the fuck up. Obviously, it's PM!

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: PM! Silly! Tonight!

Me: Right, yea...just kidding!

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: Here's your EXCITING black coffee....(giggles)

Voice of Seth Rogen: See, you are boring.

Me: Shut-up, Seth.

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: What?

Me: Ummm...I mean...ouch. Shit! I burnt my hand. Some of the coffee spilled. Hehehe...(nervous laugh)

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: It's iced?

Me: Right. Yea. But, it's REALLY cold!

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: Hahaha! So funny!

Me: Yea...ha! I try. What's your name? You know, so I can call you something besides "Butt Girl" when I text you?

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: Cheri. And, you can call me whatever you want.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Yes......oh yes.....

Cheri: Gimme your hand. (Writes down her number on top)

Me: Ok, Cheri! I'll text you at 9!

Cheri: Wait...what's your name? So I can call you something other than "Venti Iced Black" when you text.

Me: Justin.

Cheri: Ok, Justin. Be careful with that coffee, wouldn't want anymore burns! (Wink)

Me: Will do. See ya!

Voice of Seth Rogen: GREAT JOB, dude! See? I'm your fucking master! You're gonna beat that pu(Me interrupting)

Me: Shut up, Seth.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Life Lesson #6. Seth Rogen SLAYS THE PUS.....


Life Lesson #5

Me: (Counting change) Ten...twenty...thirty...forty....fifty....(Seth interrupts)

Voice of Seth Rogen: What are you doing?

Me: What does it look like I'm doing?

Voice of Seth Rogen: Counting change. Dimes, to be exact. Those aren't the kind of dimes you should be counting, brohemian rhapsody...

Me: These are the kinds of dimes I should be counting if I want to buy groceries, Seth.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Man, are you in some kind of an underground college or something? How are you ever gonna count those sweet-ass Brazilian dime pieces if you're broke like a mofucker? I mean, can't you get some kind of a gig to hold you down while you work on these websites and shit?

Me: That's the plan, Seth. You're observant, funny, and rich too, so please leave the life lesson out of this shit.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Hey man! I haven't always been rich! I used to count change to buy beer and weed. I know the struggle. (Seth starts to sing Nas) "Grindin' hittin' Brazilian dimes from behind...."

Me: Two forty, two fifty, two sixty....(Seth interrupts)

Voice of Seth Rogen: What are you gonna buy anyway, dude? Ramen? How old are you, like 16?

Me: Two seventy, two eighty, (Seth interrupts)

Voice of Seth Rogen: Seriously, man, can't you get like, some drugs from someone, or something? I mean, c'm(NAS interrupting)

Voice of NAS: Nah mean?

Me: What? 

Voice of NAS: Nah mean?

Me: Oh, he's multi-talented, and does a great NAS impression. Congrats, Seth. You're the greatest chubby guy on earth. 

Voice of Seth Rogen: That's not me, dude!

Voice of NAS: Nah mean?

Me: Oh....shit...what is reality?

Voice of NAS: A collection of images pulled from our collective consciousnesses and reassembled in such a way that everyone gets a chance to experience a version of their walking, talking, and living dreams. Nah mean?

Me: Lost Tapes is my favorite. I know people probably don't say that to you too often, but I'm wei(NAS interrupting)

Voice of NAS: Weird? I noticed. You good.

Me: I admire your ability to be open about your ever evolving perspective on life and spirit(NAS interrupting)

Voice of NAS: I know. I'm in your head, God.

Me: Can I ask you a question?

Voice of NAS: One. One, question, dude.

Me: Kelis. Did her milkshake (NAS interrupting)

Voice of NAS: No doubt. You know that.

Me: Yes.....

Voice of NAS: Nah mean?

Me: Yes....wait...Seth is awfully quiet.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Life Lesson #5. If NAS is talking, you listen.


Life Lesson #4

Voice of Seth Rogen: O-o-h Justin....

Me: This isn't You Can't Do That on Television locker joke day, Seth, that's Saturday.

Voice of Seth Rogen: What man? 

Me: You're Canadian, you should know what I'm talking about. Nevermind.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Weird....ANYWAY, what's your life ambition?

Me: Here we go....

Voice of Seth Rogen: Seriously, man. What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: I'm older than you Seth.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Could've fooled me. 

Me: Apparently, I did. Fool you. Seth.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Ok, it must be your time of the month. I'll just go away, dude. Call me when you're not being a massive dick.

Me: I never call you. 

Voice of Seth Rogen: What's that? Was someone talking to an imaginary bff in his head? I can't hear him because he's a big massive dick bag.

Me: I wish I never did acid.

Voice of Seth Rogen: (Seth whistling "Whistle" by Flo-Rida) Just gonna cook these eggs in the nude....heheheh....this is your brain on Seth....Whoa...whistle....can you blow my whistle...nice and...

Me: Jesus. Christ.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Hey! Watch it man! 

Me: You're Jewish, Seth. You don't even consider that a sin.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Can't hear that guy taking the lord's name in vein....Can ya blow my whistle baby....mmmm...mmmm...eggs. (Seth farts)

Me: This has gone too far.

Voice of Seth Rogen: (Seth sparks a huge spliff) 

Me: What the fuck is that smell?

Voice of Seth Rogen: You might have brain cancer dude...should get that checked out...(cough) Phantom smells....

Me: Are you fucking smoking weed in the nude while making eggs and whistling Flo-Rida?

Voice of Seth Rogen: What's that sound? There's some little bitch boy talking inside my head.

Me:(Intrigued) I am your life coach, Seth. You see the whole entertainment industry is a sham, it's a cons(Seth interrupts)

Voice of Seth Rogen: Nice try bitch boy! I'm just fucking with you! (Seth laugh)

Me: (Exhale)

Voice of Seth Rogen: You want your life lesson?

Me: (Exhale)(Exhale)

Voice of Seth Rogen: Ok...you want some of this omelet?

Me: What's in it?

Voice of Seth Rogen: Eggs, you jackass!

Me: Fuck. My. Li(Seth interuppting)

Voice of Seth Rogen: Quit being such a pouty bitch, dude! We got great tunes, some killer bud, and this omelet is gonna knock your socks off! My socks are already off, but hey...(Seth laugh)

Me: I like my eggs fried. Sunny side up.

Voice of Seth Rogen: This isn't a friggin' diner man. This is your mind. Limited resources. (Seth laugh)

Me: Funny.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Life Lesson #4.(Me interrupting)

Me: Lemme guess....Seth Rogen makes an awesome ass omelet.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Hehehehe....nah man. Never cook eggs in the nude, you could burn off your.....

Life Lesson #3

Voice of Seth Rogen: So, what's been up man? Been a while..

Me: You know exactly what I've been up to. Why are you asking?

Voice of Seth Rogen: Asking questions makes people seem interested.

Me: (Exhale) Ok, Seth. I've been working really hard for little money trying to get my feet back on the ground. I've been freelancing web des (Seth interrupts)

Voice of Seth Rogen: Oh! That's right! (Seth laugh)....Straight outta Compton a crazy Webmaster named J-Dub (Me interrupting)

Me: Don't do that.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Do what?

Me: Don't parody that song. The last thing I need is Easy-E's voice in my head haunting me. And, I've never been to Compton. I'm not straight outta it.

Voice of Seth Rogen: RELAX MAN! Easy-E is FINE! Right now he's fuckin' hos and poppin' bottles of Crystal at Thug Mansion. He wants no part of this. He's dead! NOT-A-GHOST. NOT-A-VOICE! You've been watching WAY TOO MUCH Supernatural (Easy-E interrupts)

Voice of Easy-E: Actually, Seth, while I appreciate your glorified vision of my afterlife, I can in fact hear you, and I can in fact join in. You see, as a celestial being (me interrupting)

Me: What. The. Fuck.

Voice of Easy-E: Please, show me some respect. I don't visit just anyone. As I was saying, the afterlife is a collection of consciousnesses existing in peace and harmony. We never really leave, and we can in fact interact with other consciousnesses in the "real-world". Carl Jung postulated all things are connected and our unconscious selves introduce the things we need in our life so that that we can overcome challenges, both spiritual and mental, while ultimately achieving the most peaceful existence possible for ourselves.

Voice of Seth Rogen: No, I'm pretty sure that was Freud.

Voice of Easy-E: Would you like me to bust a spectral cap in your bitch ass, Seth?

Voice of Seth Rogen: (Seth laughing nervously)

Me: Whoa. Let's everyone back the fuck up!

Voice of Seth Rogen and Easy-E: I hate Onyx.

Me: Stop!

Voice of Seth Rogen and Easy-E: A crazy mutha-fucka named J-Dub....

Me: Don't do it. Just don't fucking do it.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Easy....I gotta say, man. HUGE fan. I mean, big!

Voice of Easy-E: Well thank you, Seth. I must admit the same.

Me: Why the fuck is Easy-E so well spoken?

Voice of Seth Rogen and Easy-E: Life Lesson #3. Easy-E ain't no bitch.

Me: Great.