Life Lesson #6

Voice of Seth Rogen: So...how longs it been? Since you've done the stinky lambada...you know...skeet skeet?

Me: Shut up, Seth.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Seriously dude. C'mon, you can tell me.

Me: I've been taking a new approach to things.

Voice of Seth Rogen: What the fuck does that even mean?

Me: Love is more than sex. I mean, sex is more than love. I mean, sex is more than sex.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Wow, just when I thought I couldn't be more confused, too.

Me: Seriously. Shut the fuck up.

Voice of Seth Rogen: I feel like we're friends now, so I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. You're absolutely right!

Me: What?

Voice of Seth Rogen: Sex is more than just sex. It's a release, and judging by how hard you're gritting your teeth lately, you need a big one. I mean, you'll be gumming pizza in two weeks if we don't do something about this.

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: Can I help you?

Voice of Seth Rogen: Wow. Look at the tits...

Me: Venti Iced Black. Please.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Venti Iced Black. So decadent. So exciting!

Me: Shut up.

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: What?

Me: Nothing.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Here's your shot dude! Go for it! Tell her she has a cute something. Girls love that shit!

Me: Shut up, Seth.

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: Sure you don't want anything in this? Maybe a little sugar?

Voice of Seth Rogen: Tell her you want her to cream in it....

Me: No, that's fine.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Tell her dude! Do it!

Me: You have a really cute butt. (internal voice: What the fuck. Butt? I hate me.)

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: Awwww! Really? Thank you! I've been using the new "Twerk with Miley" DVD's. Totally working.

Me: Really?

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: (Giggling) No silly. That's sarcasm.

Me: Oh. Right. I knew that. Ha!

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: You're cute.

Me: Really?

Voice of Seth Rogen: Don't blow this dude...I swear I'll kick your ass....ask for HER NUMBER!!!!

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: And funny. How about I give you my number and you text me when I get off at 9?

Me: (Nervous) Yea, ok. Awesome. That's great. 9am or pm?

Voice of Seth Rogen: Dude...shut the fuck up. Obviously, it's PM!

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: PM! Silly! Tonight!

Me: Right, yea...just kidding!

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: Here's your EXCITING black coffee....(giggles)

Voice of Seth Rogen: See, you are boring.

Me: Shut-up, Seth.

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: What?

Me: Ummm...I mean...ouch. Shit! I burnt my hand. Some of the coffee spilled. Hehehe...(nervous laugh)

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: It's iced?

Me: Right. Yea. But, it's REALLY cold!

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: Hahaha! So funny!

Me: Yea...ha! I try. What's your name? You know, so I can call you something besides "Butt Girl" when I text you?

Voice of girl at Starbucks' counter: Cheri. And, you can call me whatever you want.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Yes......oh yes.....

Cheri: Gimme your hand. (Writes down her number on top)

Me: Ok, Cheri! I'll text you at 9!

Cheri: Wait...what's your name? So I can call you something other than "Venti Iced Black" when you text.

Me: Justin.

Cheri: Ok, Justin. Be careful with that coffee, wouldn't want anymore burns! (Wink)

Me: Will do. See ya!

Voice of Seth Rogen: GREAT JOB, dude! See? I'm your fucking master! You're gonna beat that pu(Me interrupting)

Me: Shut up, Seth.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Life Lesson #6. Seth Rogen SLAYS THE PUS.....

Life Lesson #5

Me: (Counting change) Ten...twenty...thirty...forty....fifty....(Seth interrupts)

Voice of Seth Rogen: What are you doing?

Me: What does it look like I'm doing?

Voice of Seth Rogen: Counting change. Dimes, to be exact. Those aren't the kind of dimes you should be counting, brohemian rhapsody...

Me: These are the kinds of dimes I should be counting if I want to buy groceries, Seth.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Man, are you in some kind of an underground college or something? How are you ever gonna count those sweet-ass Brazilian dime pieces if you're broke like a mofucker? I mean, can't you get some kind of a gig to hold you down while you work on these websites and shit?

Me: That's the plan, Seth. You're observant, funny, and rich too, so please leave the life lesson out of this shit.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Hey man! I haven't always been rich! I used to count change to buy beer and weed. I know the struggle. (Seth starts to sing Nas) "Grindin' hittin' Brazilian dimes from behind...."

Me: Two forty, two fifty, two sixty....(Seth interrupts)

Voice of Seth Rogen: What are you gonna buy anyway, dude? Ramen? How old are you, like 16?

Me: Two seventy, two eighty, (Seth interrupts)

Voice of Seth Rogen: Seriously, man, can't you get like, some drugs from someone, or something? I mean, c'm(NAS interrupting)

Voice of NAS: Nah mean?

Me: What? 

Voice of NAS: Nah mean?

Me: Oh, he's multi-talented, and does a great NAS impression. Congrats, Seth. You're the greatest chubby guy on earth. 

Voice of Seth Rogen: That's not me, dude!

Voice of NAS: Nah mean?

Me: Oh....shit...what is reality?

Voice of NAS: A collection of images pulled from our collective consciousnesses and reassembled in such a way that everyone gets a chance to experience a version of their walking, talking, and living dreams. Nah mean?

Me: Lost Tapes is my favorite. I know people probably don't say that to you too often, but I'm wei(NAS interrupting)

Voice of NAS: Weird? I noticed. You good.

Me: I admire your ability to be open about your ever evolving perspective on life and spirit(NAS interrupting)

Voice of NAS: I know. I'm in your head, God.

Me: Can I ask you a question?

Voice of NAS: One. One, question, dude.

Me: Kelis. Did her milkshake (NAS interrupting)

Voice of NAS: No doubt. You know that.

Me: Yes.....

Voice of NAS: Nah mean?

Me: Yes....wait...Seth is awfully quiet.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Life Lesson #5. If NAS is talking, you listen.

Life Lesson #4

Voice of Seth Rogen: O-o-h Justin....

Me: This isn't You Can't Do That on Television locker joke day, Seth, that's Saturday.

Voice of Seth Rogen: What man? 

Me: You're Canadian, you should know what I'm talking about. Nevermind.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Weird....ANYWAY, what's your life ambition?

Me: Here we go....

Voice of Seth Rogen: Seriously, man. What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: I'm older than you Seth.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Could've fooled me. 

Me: Apparently, I did. Fool you. Seth.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Ok, it must be your time of the month. I'll just go away, dude. Call me when you're not being a massive dick.

Me: I never call you. 

Voice of Seth Rogen: What's that? Was someone talking to an imaginary bff in his head? I can't hear him because he's a big massive dick bag.

Me: I wish I never did acid.

Voice of Seth Rogen: (Seth whistling "Whistle" by Flo-Rida) Just gonna cook these eggs in the nude....heheheh....this is your brain on Seth....Whoa...whistle....can you blow my whistle...nice and...

Me: Jesus. Christ.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Hey! Watch it man! 

Me: You're Jewish, Seth. You don't even consider that a sin.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Can't hear that guy taking the lord's name in vein....Can ya blow my whistle baby....mmmm...mmmm...eggs. (Seth farts)

Me: This has gone too far.

Voice of Seth Rogen: (Seth sparks a huge spliff) 

Me: What the fuck is that smell?

Voice of Seth Rogen: You might have brain cancer dude...should get that checked out...(cough) Phantom smells....

Me: Are you fucking smoking weed in the nude while making eggs and whistling Flo-Rida?

Voice of Seth Rogen: What's that sound? There's some little bitch boy talking inside my head.

Me:(Intrigued) I am your life coach, Seth. You see the whole entertainment industry is a sham, it's a cons(Seth interrupts)

Voice of Seth Rogen: Nice try bitch boy! I'm just fucking with you! (Seth laugh)

Me: (Exhale)

Voice of Seth Rogen: You want your life lesson?

Me: (Exhale)(Exhale)

Voice of Seth Rogen: Ok...you want some of this omelet?

Me: What's in it?

Voice of Seth Rogen: Eggs, you jackass!

Me: Fuck. My. Li(Seth interuppting)

Voice of Seth Rogen: Quit being such a pouty bitch, dude! We got great tunes, some killer bud, and this omelet is gonna knock your socks off! My socks are already off, but hey...(Seth laugh)

Me: I like my eggs fried. Sunny side up.

Voice of Seth Rogen: This isn't a friggin' diner man. This is your mind. Limited resources. (Seth laugh)

Me: Funny.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Life Lesson #4.(Me interrupting)

Me: Lemme guess....Seth Rogen makes an awesome ass omelet.

Voice of Seth Rogen: Hehehehe....nah man. Never cook eggs in the nude, you could burn off your.....